Spoing! Welcome to my domain, which is mostly used for mail
forwarding. There's nothing much going on here. I'm not self
absorbed enough to write web sites about myself. That
said, I've been working in call centres and helpdesks for several
years, and it seems someone needs to tell you n00bs how to approach a
helpdesk. Note: These views do not relect those of my employer, just me.
<rant>
Here's what to do: 1.
Call knowing what product you've just paid for. The money
came out of your wallet so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect
you to know what you bought! Don't say "I've just bought your
thing, it's not working, what do I do?" We have 15
products, ok? Make
and model! Symptoms!
2. Explain your case in a few sentences.
What you've got, the symptoms, and what you've already tried.
I don't need your life story or family history! Chances are
we've heard the story before so we can just fire you the answer and
save you some time.
3. Listen to the answer first time around!
4. Got an account number, username or serial number? Please have it handy when I answer the phone. It's dead handy.
5.
Just chill. It's just a computer, not a sudden cancer
diagnosis. You're not gonna die in the next twenty minutes, so
don't scream at me!
Here's what NOT to do:
1.
When I answer the phone and say "Smell Computer Support, Groo
here, good morning", don't give me that disembodied "Hello? Is
that Smell Computers?" "Yes..." "What's your name?" as if I was a
fucking robot. I hate that.
2. Take vaguely IT-related terms and use them completely out of context. "I've
put in your product CD and it won't download". This makes no
sense. If you don't know what the term means, describe it another
way! We IT support people are very precise about the wording we
use.
3. When I tell you to reboot the computer, I mean,
reboot the computer. Not turn it off, not turn off the monitor,
not sit in silence and then say "huuuh? how do I do that?".
The same way it's been done for 13 friggen years! That's how!
Choose restart, not shut down.
4. Argue the toss.
Seems virtually every call I take, as soon as I say "Oh yeah,
heard that a few times. All you have to do is..." the first
word out of your mouth is "No." Don't call me, ask for my
help, and then argue with me! How fucking dare you! "Oh no,
it's not that because [insert irrelevant life story moment here]". Grr!
5.
use a speakerphone. I can't hear you, and I don't want to hear
your husband-wife-team bickering. In fact, if you need help, just
get the local 15-year-old lad to call me.
6. Make your
legal threats from the outset. I'm not going to help you if you
make demands with your stinking attitude. I'm a pretty normal
guy, I speak the same language as you, you don't have to approach me
with such trepidation! I actually want to help, fix the problem,
and get rid of you. Saying "I'll speak to my solicitor and I want
your name" isn't going to help you at all, it just pisses me off.
I'll be much less cooperative.
7.
Don't just keep repeating "no." "what happens when you try?"
"no." "does anything happen?" "no." "can you click a
button?" "No." "Can you see anything on screen?" "no." "so
the screen is blank?" "No." "What's on the screen?" "No". Pissing you off yet? Don't do it. Similarly
don't keep saying "I've done all that.". "Have you tried-" "I've done
all that" "OK, can you please click on "Yeah yeah, I've done all
that". Well fuck off and fix it yourself then, cockbag.
8.
Don't bitch and moan about the cost of the call, or demand that I
call you back from the outset. Can you make phone calls when your
phone is actually ringing? No, neither can I. It's just
plain rude.
I'll add more every time the phone rings and someone pisses me off. </rant>